Saotome Siblings
by SOTG
Summary: Ranma and Ranko. Pretty much identical twins, except for gender. Not to mention mischeivous entities that are deciding how best to ruin the lives of Nerima's inhabitants. Some OOC-ness. Canon is currently on Alpha Centauri II. Please C&C my ramblings!
1. Chapter 1

"I won't let you go!"

Ranma was furious! Why was she behaving this way!? She'd never been like this before.

"Ranma, I have to! He's a goldmine! If I don't, I could lose out on some serious moolah!" Two fingers and a thumb rubbed together implied that money was there. A lot.

"Ugh, you sound like Nabiki."

Ranko laughed. "Yeah, well, she's a good inspiration. All that money…" Her eyes glazed over. If Ranma looked carefully, he could see small yen signs flickering in the corners of her eyes. The boy shuddered.

Look, I know you're perfectly capable of looking after yourself, but Kuno's…Kuno! He's already infatuated with you and Akane, why won't he just let it rest? He claims to love you both… The fool don't even know what love is!"

"Do you?" Ranko shot back, a trace of venom in her tone.

"I-I… ah, well…" Ranma stuttered. Damn sisters! Why did they always have to be so smart!?

"Exactly." The small red-headed girl smiled. "Don't talk about what you don't know. You don't see Hinako-sensei talking about quantum physics, do you?"

"What're quantum physics?" Ranma asked, confused. Were they anything to do with the Art? If so, he'd be on them like a shot.

"No, idiot, they're not to do with the Art." Ranko replied, reading Ranma's thoughts. "Just because you're a couple of minutes-"

"Thirty-four."

"_Thirty-four_, thank you for your correcton, _brother dearest_, older, don't mean you can order me about left right and centre. If you did, I'd kick your ass on the spot!"

"Oh yeah, try it!"

*WHAM*

"Thank you for that trick, Akane…" Ranko muttered as she ran her fingers through her hair and walked out the door.

"Stupid… girls..!" Ranma grunted before passing out, mallet still resting on his head.

*

Kuno waited at the specified empty lot, flowers in hand and a nonchalant expression on his face. It was rare for there to be unused ground in Japan, but Nerima had been famous for producing high-powered martial artists from certain areas, so places that used to be parks were now damaged so bad, grass couldn't grow and the ground wasn't suitable enough for foundations to be laid for homes.

"Ah, like the leaves on a breeze, my dearest Ranko shall come forth. Her presence sacred to me alone, not even that foul Saotome shall lay hands on her!"

"Boo."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Kuno yelled, jumping into the air. The flowers prepared – red roses, "to compliment you glorious hair!" scattering in all directions.

Turning to see who would play such a foul trick, Kuno pulled out his bokken preparing to smite them into next year. "Who would dare to try and approach the great Tatewaki Kuno and attack a blind spot!? Who would dare strike a defenceless warrior!?"

"Just me." Answered the cute red-haired girl in front of him. Kuno stopped dead, shocked that his beloved red-haired goddess could creep up on such a fine warrior as himself.

"How… How did you…" Kuno stammered, forgetting to spout poetry at anyavaliable moment. "It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!"

Ranko shuddered. Memories long forgotten of her playing Juliet in the school play resurfaced. Ugh, it was pandemonium! Kuno had applied as Romeo, and Ranma wasn't happy, and applied himself. Of course, Ranma didn't know what the story was about, and when it came to the kissing scene, he had frozen. Ranko nearly punched him for even thinking of applying. Kissing her own brother!? Eww!

Ranko punched the older boy, momentarily losing her cool. "Shut up, Kuno." Suddenly, her attitude changed again. "Kuno-chan, why did you call me here?"

"Ah, my noble and fair lady. I summoned you to this place to ask you – again – if you would do me – and you – the honour of dating." Kuno said.

Ranko shivered. Kuno had asked countless times before, and always she had spurned him. He never seemed to get the message, though. However, Ranko saw several opportunities to gain some freebies through this.

"Perhaps if you treat me a little first, Kuno-chan, I'll think about it."

"Ah, of course!! Why dive straight into the main meal when starters will suffice for now!"

Ranko actually had to stop herself from kicking the hapless samurai between the legs. Kuno was infamous for his delicately hidden sexual innuendos, and most of the girls in Furinkan had learnt to recognise them. "Yeah. Whatever, Kuno. Take me to Karaoke first!!"

"Why, of course, my feiry-haired goddess!"

*

Ranma woke up roughly twenty minutes later, wincing as he stood. That mallet had given him a migrane.

Heading towards the kitchen of their home, he passed his father. Casually blocking and reversing the strike made at him, sending Genma out into the garden, he grabbed some herbal tea and made the hot beverage to his liking. Sipping the brew, he sighed as the herbs did their work and soothed his pounding head.

After washing out his cup, Ranma headed into the living room, and sat down to watch some fighting video's he'd bought recently. Slotting the first one into the video player, he sat back and relaxed, enjoying the fights that the martial artists on the screen got into.

"Hm. Left an opening there." He mused to himself. "Ah, hey mum."

Nodoka Saotome walked into the room, and sat down next to her son. They sat quietly for a few minutes, both watching the kung-fu movie. Nodoka then turned to her son.

"Ranma, where's Ranko?"

"Hm? Oh, she's off on some jaunt with Kuno."

"The samurai boy?" Nodoka asked carefully.

"Mm-hmm. That's the one. If your worried about her, she can look after herself. I beat Kuno on a near-daily basis, and Ranko gives me a really hard time during our sparring sessions. Damn girls fast!"

"Ranma, you will not talk about your sister that way."

Ranma sweatdropped. Turning to his mother, he posed a question: "What do you mean?"

Nodoka was very traditional. She believed that men should be manly and strong, whilst women should be feminine and quiet. She didn't like the fact Ranko fought, but, then again, Nodoka was a mean sword user. A bit hypocritical, if you thought about it. No, what she had meant earlier was how Ranma had complimented his sister. "You will not refer to her as a 'damn girl'. As her brother, you should be supporting her anyway you can. Saying she's a 'damn girl' will _not_ help. If I hear you say such a thing again, you'll be grounded for a week. And that means you leave this property for school, and that's it. And no visitors, either."

"What!? That's a bit harsh!" Ranma responded, shocked. He'd have to watch his mouth.

"You have to be cruel to be kind, my dear." Nodoka replied. Grudgingly, Ranma agreed. It was one of the few things his father had drummed into his head when they trained. Of course, he used it as an excuse to steal. After all, you could be saving them bother later. They could have all their stuff stolen then. It made sense, in a weird, warped way.

"Ranma, please go keep an eye on your sister. I don't trust that Kuno boy."

Ranma sighed. "Okay, mum."

*

"If music be the food of love, play on,"

Ranko wanted to kill Kuno. She only came here for a sing-song, and now Kuno was spouting Shakespeare!

"Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting, the appetite may sicken, and so die."

She was taking English at school, she knew what he was saying. All that crap about how he'd listen to her forever. Eep, a high part of the song!

"There, that strain again! O' how it came o'er my ears, like the sweet sound that breathes upon a bank of violets, stealing and giving odour."

He'd better be bloody commenting on her perfume.

"Ranko? You OK?"

Ranko turned around, stunned. Ranma was standing in the doorway. "What're you doing here, Ranma?"

"Mum sent me to watch over you and…him. You know what mum's like. I just do whatever she says."

Ranko nodded. She understood perfectly. Mum was scary when she was angry.

"Saotome!? What reason do you have to taint this place with your vile presence!?"

"Uhh…my mum sent me to check up on my sister…" Ranma replied, dumbfound that the boy had completely missed him telling Ranko why he was here.

"Ah, this pathetic nonsense that you and the feiry Ranko are related. When will you understand that you cannot possibly be related!? She is nothing like you!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ranko asked, her anger breaking it's bounds and starting to leak into her aura, which in turn flared.

"Why, you are not violent, stubborn, pathetic, a poor learner, a poorer blood-line and a pathetic fighter." He turned to face Ranma. "However, _he_ is."

"Why, you little—" Ranma begun.

"**KUNO NO BAKA!**"

A mallet appeared in Ranko's hand and swung towards Kuno with deadly accuracy. Ranko's natural and trained speed combined meant that Kuno had no chance to react.

"Ow." He said, pathetically.

"C'mon, Ranma. Let's go home. Nobody insults my brother and gets away with it." Ranko said, grabbing Ranma by the arm.

"Y'know we're identical twins..?" Ranma said, stopping.

"Yeah..?"

"That means that what he said about me applies to you, too."

*WHACK*

Kuno doubled over, clutching his most prized anatomical possession. Keeling over, he landed awkwardly on his side.

"Okay, NOW let's go." Ranko said, a more final tone in her voice than before.

As the twins left, Kuno regained conciousness for a few seconds. "Enough…no more… 'Tis not as sweet now as it was before…"

* * *

Authors notes:

Just something I wrote a long time ago in a notebook that I found, really. Loosely based off what I wrote, anyway.

Had this idea knocking in my head for about a couple of years. It feels good to have it up on the web. =]

I guess most of the inspiration of this comes from me NOT having a little sister. Or a big sister. Or any siblings at all, really. I've always wanted a little sis, someone I could talk to, that'd be there for me. Someone who I could help in any way I could. I love helping, so it's just natural for me. Reading a fic called "Careful Destiny" (sadly seemingly abandoned) also helped.

--sigh--

I want a sister. Bit late now, though. (_") Maybe next life.

Yeah, anyway! Read and review! Comments and Criticisms! Reviews make a story live, in my opinion. It helps me work out where I'm going right and wrong, too. C&C/R&R is welcomed with opened arms and chocolate biscuits.

Oh, and Americans? I'm British, so where you would say "mom", I say "mum." It's like Tomato/Tomato. That don't come across as well as I thought it would in writing. Meh, you get the idea.

My other work, Ranchan and Ucchan is still going, too. If you like this, give that a read. You might like it.

Anyway, I've rambled enough. Until my next outing!

Much love, SOTG.


	2. Chapter 2

Ryouga walked down the dusty road, and turned right. Suddenly, he found himself outside the Saotome home.

"Again?" he said. "I really have to work out how I do this."

Nevertheless, Ryouga walked through the gates and entered the house. "Konnichiwa!"

Nobody replied.

Ryouga decided he may as well get himself a bath and some tea. Entering the front room, he turned to get to the kitchen and suddenly found himself in the garden. Cursing, Ryouga stepped back into the house and saw the kitchen. Entering, he tried to find the cups, but only found:

"P-Panties!?"

The lost boy suddenly collapsed to the floor, spraying the ground with dots of red blood, as he passed out.

*

Ranma and Ranko headed for school, awaiting the chaos that they knew would ensue. Stepping through the gates, they saw half of the male populace rush towards them. The other half rushed towards somebody else in the grounds.

"RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!" Ranko screamed, before rushing headlong into the testosterone-fuelled crowd. Ranma decided to hop onto a wall and watch. He always enjoyed watching his sister fight. It proved interesting.

It was almost like the fight was ripped out of an Anime. A huge dust-cloud appeared and the odd limb poked out every now and then, with the occasional wannabe fighter flying out the top, landing on the ground head-first. After a few minutes, the cloud settled and Ranko stood in the middle, barely a hair out of place and not a single crease in her uniform.

A slow clap spread across the now-silent front ground. It came from a single, handsome looking fellow.

No points for guessing who.

"Kuno!" Ranko spat. "When are you going to get tired of all this? Every morning for the past year, I've defeated every single man in the school who attacks me and then I defeat you. For – hopefully – the last time, I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH YOU!!"

"Ah, but my beauteous goddess," the deranged kendoist replied, his dulcet bass tones spreading a shiver up the spines of all present, a mix of pure charisma and pure dumb-assery. "I announced such a challenge to try and free you from the wrath of that foul Saotome. It is my duty, as a fighter and one of many noble samurai to defend those who might not be able to themselves."

Ranma decided he could do with some limbering up for the day and jumped over to land beside his sister.

"Listen, Kuso. We're twins. We're brother and sister. We're related. We have documents to prove it. Documents that the law will back up. We are registered at this school as siblings. Your pop's the principal of this place, he can say the same. For the last time, Kuso, LEAVE US ALONE."

Kuno was practically livid. The deliberate mispronunciation of his name had tipped him over the edge. "SAOTOME!!!"

Ranma jumped up and landed on the tip of Kuno's bokken. He then proceeded to perch on the kendoists head. "Hey, Kuno, how about we make this fight formal?"

"What?" Kuno said, dumbly.

"Yeah, lets put something on this match. How about this: If I win, you leave me and my sister alone for as long as it takes."

"Very well, Knave." Kuno replied, his charismatic voice returning. "However, if I win, you will allow me to date the fair Akane Tendo."

"Ranma!!" a voice shouted from the crowd that had formed nearby. "Don't you dare Ranma! Don't take that risk!"

Ranma must not have heard, because he then said: "Sure, why not. Hey, you know what? I might even go easy on you!"

"HAVE AT, YE!" Kuno screamed, swinging his sword above his head to officially start the fight. Ranma jumped backwards, landing around ten feet away.

"Bring it on, Kuso! Let's see if you've improved at all!"

*

Ukyou sat in her restaurant, serving the customers with all she had. The breakfast rush often was the busiest time of the day as businessmen on their way into Central Tokyo grabbed a bite to eat so as not to go hungry for the day, replacing the skipped breakfast their wives made them. In the world of banking, hunger was second to money.

Ukyou poured her heart and soul into every single serving. Every time she mixed the batter, she looked at a picture of her adored that was stuck to the wall with blu-tac.

"Oh, Ryouga…"

Sticking another serving into a cheap takeaway box, she took the money, tilled it up and delivered another with practiced ease. However, Ukyou was doing this entirely on automatic. Her mind was wandering.

_Ryouga better show up soon! I haven't seen him in a while. I miss him. I want to talk to him, hold him, be with him, look at him, smell him, listen to him…_

Ukyou sighed. It wouldn't do to miss Ryouga during hours. She wouldn't be putting her heart and soul into it otherwise. Each dish was filled with love and passion, happiness and fortune. It was why she was such a hit in the area.

Another dish, another order, another ringing of the door. More dishes and more money. Such was the Kuonji lifestyle.

*

Moira sat in her office, behind her desk looking at the satellite photographs of an urban area. Suddenly the phone rang.

"Department of Fate, Goddess Moira speaking. How may I help you?"

A brief silence as the person on the other end spoke.

"Yes, I got the pictures. What do you want doing?"

More silence.

"But… Zeus, Allah, God and Kami all agreed such a thing should not be allowed! I'm sorry, Ardra, but you and Ru Shou can't decide some poor people should have that happen to the—"

Another silence, however, much longer than before.

"I want to see this clearance."

Suddenly, a cloud floated through the door of the office, a piece of paper tied to it. Reaching up, Moira untied the paper from the cloud. It promptly floated back out the door and down the hallway.

"Yes, I just received it. Yes, it does seem to be in order. Well, if the Bosses have agreed to it, there's not really much I can do, is there?"

Another silence, but the tension in the room was considerably less.

"Haha, yes, of course. I'll get us a table and we can all talk. And the wine's on me, dear. No, I insist, and if you try to say otherwise, I'll hang up."

"Haha, Okay dear. I'll see you later. I'll inform the spirit now. Ciao."

Moira put the phone down and sighed. She hated agreeing to do this, but if the Holy Four said it was okay, then she couldn't really do anything.

Opening a drawer, Moira pulled out a bigger cloud than the one that bore the document. Placing it in the air, it floated and expanded, becoming transparent in the middle. Suddenly, the middle changed colour, and Moira saw that another entity was crashed out on a couch.

"Moira? Is that you?" the entity asked.

"Yes, it is me, Yenko. Get your act together, you got business again."

"Really? How did you pull that off?"

"The Holy Four agreed to the department of Misfortunes will. I'm just passing the message and details on, but you've got some people to get busy with. I'm sending you the information now."

Inside the viewing cloud, a smaller cloud appeared, this time carrying a folder full of documents underneath it. The entity called Yenko detached the folder and bid the cloud good day. The cloud replied with a squeaky "Thank you, sir. You as well."

Opening the folder, Yenko looked over the details and files inside. "Hmm… select victims, free reign over what they receive… This is like Christmas Come Early!"

"I'm glad you like it." Replied Moira.

"You bet I do! I'm going to start planning it right away. Thank you, Moira. Pass my thanks on to the Department of Misfortune and the Holy Four as well."

"I will, love. You get to work now. Those human shows rot your mind."

"Aint that the truth."

"Oh, one thing, Yenko…"

"Sure, go ahead."

"Why are you called Yenko? I can't see where the link is between your name and—"

"My dear, I get asked that so many times, you wouldn't believe. My parents were idiots, basically. It was meant to be Enkyo, but my father was Dyslexic. My mother never checked it."

"Aaah, I understand. Well, I'll let you be, dear. Enjoy!"

"Sayonara!"

* * *

Authors Notes:

YEA! FINALLY UPDATED THIS! Updates for this might be slow, but they're always fun to write, so you never know, I might pick it up more often.

In the reviews, BTB said that you can't have identical twins of opposite sex. I disagree. I say it's possible. Wheras Ranma and Ranko aren't identical PER SE, they have extremely similar genes. I'm not going to get into a scientific debate about this, so I'm just going to leave it as that. The odds are one in OVER NINE THOUSAAAND.

*cough*

Sorry.

**NEXT TIME ON SAOTOME SIBLINGS**

**Yenko does some weird stuff.**

**Akane has another fight.**

**Ryouga gets glomped.**

**Kuno wins something**

**Ranma and Ranko get embarassed.**

**_Don't miss it!_**

Ranma 1/2 (c) Not Me. I just use the characters. They were made by Takahashi-Sama, and we are ever thankful for it. =]


	3. Chapter 3

"TATATATATATATATATATA!!"

Ranma jumped out of the way of the usual attack on his person, neatly weaving in and out of the wooden blade of the idiot Kuno. "C'mon, Kuso, that all y'got?"

"HAVE AT, YE!" Kuno shouted, making a wild slice with his bokken that would have cut a normal person cleanly in half. Ranma just stepped to the side, before gently tapping Kuno's side with his little finger, pushing the overbalanced kendoinst over the edge, causing him to land painfully on his hip.

Ranma stepped on the tip of the bokken, flipping it into the air and catching it elaborately with two fingers. "C'mon, Kuno, I thought you were better than that. Don't you have any other attacks?"

"Until you arrived, Saotome," Kuno replied."I never needed another attack. Nobody could survive the Wood Point." Kuno climbed carefully to his feet, brushing the dust off his clothes. "Oh, and Saotome?"

"Hm?" Ranma replied nonplussed.

"I had my sister fit my bokkens with fingerprint readers and powerful batteries."

"Hn? Wha—WHAAA—" *BZZT*

The pigtailed martial artist collapsed to the ground, smoke gently streaming through his hair. The only sounds he made were a light crackling and incomprehendable moans. Kun, now fully on his feet picked up his wooden sword and raised it in triumph. "I HAVE DEFEATED THE SORCERER! AKANE TENDO IS MINE!!"

Said Tendo girl stood behind Kuno with the faint form of a heavy blunt object fading in and out of appearance in her hand. "Ranma No BAKAAAA!!" she shouted, raising and lowering the mallet towards Kuno's head at a high velocity. The heir to the Kuno estate promptly fell forward with a sickening thud, making all present wince, including the semi-conscious pigtailed fighter.

"I felt that…" Ranko said, prodding the wannabe-samurai in the ribcage with the toe of her foot. The only response was a small groan and a little gravel moving around as Kuno shifted about, trying to get comfortable again. Poking him again lower down in the gut, Kuno made a different sound. Experimentally, she prodded him again in the lower ribs and got another note, in between the two. "Hey, he's musical!"

As Ranko proceeded to poke the upperclassman, Ranma got to his feet, looking at the bokken that had fried him. Gingerly picking it up with thumb and forefinger at the tip, he saw the small, yet powerful battery attached to the bottom. Ripping it off, he held the bokken readily, holding the blade so it ran parallel to his arm, adopting a ready stance. "Hm, it's actually got a nice balance to it," Ranma commented. "No wonder Kuno prefers these. It's a nice balance from the tip to the handle, ya don't feel like it'd whip too much at high speeds. The drag can really play havoc with your style if you don't take it into account."

Everyone stared. Even Ranko stopped halfway through a rendition of Frere Jacques, accompanied by her Kuno instrument. Was Ranma just talking Physics? Ranma was failing at everything except Physical Education and, surprisingly, Geography. But Physics!? No way.

"What?" Ranma said. "I do actually LISTEN in class, I just don't take notes!"

An awkward moment passed, and Ranko resumed her French nursery rhyme on the Kuno. Akane just gave a surprised little "Hm." And the crowd that had watched the fight started talking, rumours spreading like wildfire that perhaps Saotome was a physics genius and would he do their homework in return for money. The crowds dispersed, heading for their own corners of the premises to talk.

"Ranma, there's still the slight problem of you lost the fight." Came the cold voice of Nabiki. She was dressed in the Furinkan uniform, but the expression she wore and the way she walked, she may as well have been wearing the business suit of the head of a rather large bank.

"Lost?" Ranma said, confused. "I didn't lose, Kuno's dead to the world an' I'm still standin'."

"Didn't stop you getting electrocuted and frying on the floor long enough to be killed though, eh?" Nabiki smiled. "I believe the prize was a date with Akane for Kuno?"

Akane froze. She'd forgotten about that.

Also frozen was Ranma, who was currently sandwiched between two extremely powerful, pissed off women. "Raaaaaanmaaaaaa!!" Akane yelled, pulling out her trusty comrade Mr. Hammer to introduce him to Ranma's skull. Again. The other rage was from Ranko.

"Ranma, you jerk!" the red-headed twin shouted. "What sort of person hands their rival a date with their girlfriend!?" Ranma blushed, embarrassed. Not only that, but my best friend! You're too arrogant for your own good! Honestly, if it wasn't for me, you'd probably have Ukyou and Shampoo still after you for the marriages Dad promised! If I hadn't made friends with them, they'd still be trying to kill you!"

"Kill?" Akane said. "I thought they wanted to marry?"

"The amount they were chasing Ranma, it would have killed him. Or someone, anyway…" Ranko said offhandedly.

"Eeh, yeah… But Ranko, don't forget that I have stuff on you." Ranma said, regaining a small amount of confidence. Spending time with Nabiki had had an influence.

"What, you haven't been taking pictures, have you? I swear to god, Ranma, if you've been taking ecchi pictures of me to sell, I'll kill you!"

"Oh, dear Kami, no!" Ranma replied, shouting. "Why would I want to do that!? I mean, you're my twin! It'd be like looking at myself, but if I was a girl! Ergh, no, that's sick. I'd never do that…" Ranma smirked a little. "But if I was to mention 'Tiger'… and how he'd like a date…" Ranma dodged the punch that was thrown towards him, moving barely at all and sticking his tongue out at his sister to taunt her.

"Don't you DARE!" Ranko practically screamed. "As much as I like him, I could never go out with him!" Ranko paused, thinking. "And anyway, there's already someone with eyes for Tiger."

Ranma grinned. "Really? Who?"

"I'll tell you later." Ranko said, dodging the question whilst glancing towards Akane and, more particularly, Nabiki. Ranma got the message.

Suddenly, the bell rand. "Oh, how about that, time for class." Akane said, muttering the last part. The band of friends headed towards the building and their classes, eager to get the day dealt with and get home.

*

Happosai pranced around his room in the Saotome house, before diving into a pile of female garments, only to poke his head out the top and throw them into the air like you would Monopoly money at the end of a game, pretending it was raining panties and bras.

However, his joy was short-lived as a lost man found him.

"Hey, FREAK!" Ryouga shouted.

"Oh, Ryouga, m'boy," Happosai chuckled, popping out of the underwear pile. "What can I do for you?"

"DIE!"

"I'm afraid I can't help you there, lad. I can help train you again, though."

Ryouga shuddered at the last memory of training under Happosai. It was a lesson in speed, seeing as Ryouga had more strength than speed, and he wanted to defeat Ranma again. It was just a friendly rivalry, nothing serious, but that's what rivals were for – to be better is to improve.

However, the speed training was… different. It involved being chased by half of Nerima's female population whilst Ryouga was attacked with rakes, brooms, pots and pans, umbrellas and even a bed pan, for some reason. Ryouga was oblivious as to why, but Happosai had stealthily tagged him with several different sets of underwear, and written "Hentai" on the back of his shirt.

The old man had roared with laughter that night. Ryouga was at Dr. Tofu's, having some serious scratches and cuts checked on.

"I'd rather kiss Ranma than train under you again!" Ryouga shouted.

"Actually, I know about who your love interest is. And I could make that last comment quite possible if I went to—"

"You sick, perverted old man!"

"Why, thank you." Happosai said seriously. Ryouga blanched. "Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to have some rest."

Ryouga's mind was just trying to make sense of these words when he found himself flying out of the window, towards the street. Knowing he'd be eternally lost if he went off the premises, he altered his flight plan like Ranma had shown him, and instead just crashed into the wall.

* * *

Authors Notes:

I'm really just setting up character relationships in this chapter, before I bring total chaos into this. Don't worry, curses are in this story. They just haven't been cursed yet. People got any suggestions?

I'm knackered. Why are you even reading this story? I update it once every quite-a-while and it's such a crack-fic, I could be arrested for Class-A dealing. But then again, this story is to cheer me up, make me laugh and generally just fart-ass about, doing things that in serious stories would never be possible.

'Till next time, Much love.

SOTG


	4. Chapter 4

"A splash of that, a drop of this…."

Yenko sang a little as he worked, creating the magical vials that would be carrying his water. Mixing glass with Jusenkyo water and magic meant that the vials would only empty their contents on the chosen target, limiting the splash to them and them only. Not easy magic, but if one more accidental happened, he'd be chained to the gates of Hell for a good few eons. Chained on the wrong side. And there were lots of gates in Hell.

The vials would be ready in a few hours. Then he'd summon the water and send them on their way.

"Now, we got some Drowned Man, Drowned Woman… Drowned duck, drowned cat… Ooh, drowned saint! That's always fun. Umm… Drowned pig… That really weird one that happened with the yeti and the bull and stuff… Drowned Ralts…"

Yenko murmered as he ticked a checklist. He still didn't know who would get what, and he was still getting ideas. Hell, some of these might not even make it! There were too many tantalizing options, and the portal he created to look at them all really made him think.

The entity for the Pools Of Sorrow looked up at a giant shimmering ball of murky water, wondering who to look at now. A small hand gesture and a pretty young girl with her red hair tied back in a simple ponytail came into view, her natural beauty out of place with the fighting situation she was in with what appeared to be her twin brother. The portfolios he received said they weren't identical twins – if they were, they'd be one gender or another But they liked the idea of being identical, and they pretty much were – but that other kind that Yenko could never remember the name for. Even so, a chance in a million made them pick up the same habits, looks and personalities as each other, with the only difference between them a piece of DNA coding. The odds were miles high. Algebrus, the God of Mathematics could work it out within seconds, but Yenko didn't want the pie charts and recitation of Pi to an infinite amount of decimal places. No thank you. It made him hungry for Human food.

Yenko loved pie. Especially those lovely meaty ones in the Western world. Delicious.

Perhaps the twins… Yes, perhaps the flip side would be good. For one of them.

*

The sparring match in the Saotome Dojo between Brother and Sister was intense, and to your average stranger was deadly. The parents watched with keen eyes, the father noting small holes in defences that were exploited or used as lures, the mother throwing in the odd blunt weapon every now and then to spice things up.

The twins were evenly matched. Ranma was stronger and had a greater reach, but Ranko was able to use her size and speed to her advantage, nipping in to deliver several strikes, improving the conditioning on Ranma's torso and her knuckles and finger tips.

Ranma came forward with an axe-kick that Ranko rolled away from to the side, before leaping forward and striking an exposed vital point on Ranma's side, making him leap back and rebound off the wall with a straight kick. Ranko saw it coming and caught Ranma's foot and twisted, spinning the black-haired twin around in mid air to face the floor before he felt a brush of air extremely close to a very personal area. Thankfully, Ranko knew that it was nearly as painful as her…time and pulled the blow enough to let Ranma know that he would have been incapacitated for a damn long while were it real.

Finally, Genma blew a whistle, signalling to stop. As the teenagers ended their sparring, they nodded, bowing to each other and then at the shrine at the other end of the Dojo.

Genma grinned. "Food's up!"

There was a vary distinct Ranma-shaped cloud of dust hanging in the air, still with the look of pure joy and pigtail still in it's midair swing as Ranma had whipped round to face the door. There was no wind in the Dojo, so the figure stayed there a fair while before slowly dispersing.

Ranko and her mother sighed, rolling their eyes and smiling. "Men," they said together before heading in to serve dinner.

*

Akane sat at the table in the fancy restaurant nervously. It was here she was meant to meet Kuno for their date.

And oh boy, was she dreading every moment of it.

It wasn't like she had never been on a date before. She'd gone out with Ranma to the cinema (Always fighting films), the restaurants (Always takeaways) and the parks (which just happened to have great places to train) with him several times before. She was no stranger to the dating game.

She was just a stranger to the Dating Game + Kuno.

Akane could see where the date would go. A posh meal that he'd pay for, before a walk in the park to view some flowers (And not the kind of petals Kuno was hoping for) before a leisurely walk home to the Tendo Dojo where she'd be expected to give him a kiss.

Akane shuddered. She'd rather marry her father.

Kuno walked into the restaurant interrupting Akane's thoughts, replacing them with fear. A natural primeval fear of safety. The fight or flight response was taking over, and it wanted to escape. Kuno was _that_ creepy.

"Ah, my beauteous panther Akane, how I am honoured that you would lavish me with your presence. Fear not, I shall take you on a date and show you the beauty of the world, but first, we must dine!"

Akane shuddered again. She only understood "Akane honoured presence beauty food." If he cut out all the romantic crap, perhaps he might actually get a real girlfriend.

HAH! Ranma would lose a fight before he got a girlfriend!

Oh, menu's…

"I shall have the Takoyaki cuisine, Waitress, as well as a glass of your finest chardonnay. I have partaken the joy of sampling foreign refreshments, and I find it a favourite. Dearest Akane, what shall you have?" Kuno said in his rich tones that would make him a hit with the ladies if they didn't run away first.

"Uhhmm, I'll just have the Ramen, please…" Akane said in a small voice. The waitress nodded, before being interrupted by Kuno.

"Shark Fin, please. Only the best for my beautiful maiden."

The waitress nodded again slowly.

An hour later after their meals, the 'couple' went to the park. As thay walked past the flowers and trees, Kuno started talking softly.

"Ah, the sweet delicate flower. The tulip, muted and quiet, the daffodil, loud and upfront, the…rose, beautiful but risky…"

Akane smacked her forehead into her palm.

"All so delicate, fragile. Only the most careful of hands can rear them and let them bloom to their full potential, letting them scream to the world the brashness of their kind. Only the most caring can rear them." These last words were accompanied by a slight brush of Akane's _lower_ lower back, making her freeze and come very close to punching the kendoist. Or worse, throw him into that rose bush in only his boxers. Tied up. No, wait, he'd probably like that… "Shut up, Kuno." Akane said harshly.

The handsome, if freaky samurai paused, looking at his maiden in question.

"I mean, I…" Akane stammered. This was meant to be a successful date, or Ranma's honour was tainted due to the particulars of their fight not being agreed. "I just want to admire the pretty flowers!" Akane finished, putting on her most kawaii voice and the cutest smile she could muster.

Kuno nodded. Perhaps he wasn't so bad after all…

As the sun approached the horizon, letting dark take it's time and duty, Akane and Kuno stood outside the gates of the Tendo Dojo. Kuno was puckering up his lips in a very subtle way, wheras Akane had her hand itching to summon her hammer and bury it 20 feet into Kuno's body. And he was barely six foot.

Kuno closed his eyes, making his intention clear. Akane froze. She didn't want to kiss THAT! She'd rather kiss pig swill! How could she escape thi—

A brainwave occurred. Leaping over the wall silently, she ran to the dojo and flung open the store room, pulling out an object. Vaulting back over the wall silently, she held the object forward towards Kuno.

The swordsman being the idiot he was didn't know he was kissing a practice dummy.

As he pulled back, Akane hid the dummy behind her, making a mental note to burn it that evening. As Kuno opened his eyes none the wiser, Akane faked a blush that would put most make-up artists out of work with their blushers and what-not. {AN: Hey, I'm a guy. I don't wear makeup!}

Kuno smiled a smile that actually had a lot of emotion in it. Gratitude, wonder and lust. All three unmistakeable. Grandfather Happosai would like him.

"Well, goodnight," Akane said, before opening the gate and walking in. Kuno nodded and replied a small "Goodnight" himself.

As soon as she was indoors, Akane gagged. She ran towards the bathroom to empty her stomach as she recalled the day, spending it all with the deranged swordsman.

* * *

Authors Notes:

Wooh! I'm updating this faster now!

Go me!

And I think I'm killing the writers block that's been plaguing me the last few weeks. Yay for final exams!

Anybody notice the reference to one of the best RanmaxPokémon crossovers I've read? Ten internets to whoever spots it. It's pretty damn obvious, but I'm debating whether to keep it in. People who know what I'm on about, what do you think? Who would be best, if anyone at all?

Now, it's 1 AM. I need sleep. G'night!

Much Love, SOTG.


	5. Chapter 5

*SPLASH*

"Dammit, why does that old woman keep splashing me?" Muttered Ranma. "She's gotta vengeance or somethin', I swear."

Ranko giggled. The twins were headed for school (much to Ranma's chagrin) and were due for the daily battle that happened at the gates for Ranko's heart. As the gates approached, Ranko broke into a sprint, Ranma trailing behind as normal. Leaping to his usual perch upon the wall, he watched as Ranko employed the kata for multiple opponents his father had created, 'originally' named the art of "Throwing-people-at-other-people-while-throwing-more-people-until-there-is-a-big-pile-of-people."

Ranko was a master.

The pile grew rapidly until the only person left not on the pile was a tennis player, who was playing dead, his racquet by his side. Ranko ignored him, only scuffing her shoes gently upon his head. Ranma winced as the boy was knocked unconscious.

Kuno began his speech but was quickly silenced by a racquet to the forehead. He slumped forward, pitching to his knees before landing on his face.

Ranma jumped down to land next to his sister. "Aw, whadja do that for?" he asked. "I wanted to have words with him for trying it on with Akane on their date."

"Sorry bro," Ranko replied. "Perhaps later, when he's cleared his concussion. C'mon, we got lessons."

Ranma grunted, but followed anyway.

Ranko and Ranma took their desks next to Ukyou and Akane, and started chatting. Ranma to Ukyou about martial arts techniques and food, Ranko to Akane about Kuno and his sexual advances. "Actually, that reminds me," Ranko started. "How was the date with Kuno?"

"Ugh, don't remind me." Akane groaned. "He took me to the most expensive restaurant in town, made lewd suggestions while we walked through the flower gardens in the park and tried to kiss me when he took me home! I had gotten a practice dummy out of the Dojo whilst he was puckered up outside, and I made him kiss it!" Akane suddenly had a fit of giggles, and Ranko couldn't help but join in too.

"You made him kiss a practice dummy? Oh, that is priceless!" Ranko sobbed between giggles. "What did you do with the dummy?"

"Burnt it." Akane said simply. "That way no part of him is in my home."

"Good thinking. I would have done the same." Ranko replied, wiping away her tears of laughter. "Oh, here comes the Sensei. Talk in the break?"

"You got it!"

*

A flock of birds flew and sat in the various trees of a small copse of woodland on the western coast of Japan. They went about their daily rituals of gathering food, eating it and tending to their young. It was a very successful flock of birds, and were capable of defending themselves and their young very easily against would-be predators.

However, glass vials were not would-be predators, and when the collection flew through the flock, several birds were struck, exploding in a cacophony of feathers. The vials kept travelling, ripping through trees and rocks in their unerring path towards Tokyo.

Jusenkyo was travelling to Nerima.

*

Ryouga was lost. Again.

As the bandanna-clad boy walked out of some bushes he'd found himself in ("I swear, they grew around me really fast!"), he realised that the place he was now wasn't familiar.

Looking for any sign of civilisation he could ask for directions, he ventured out on to the barren path that lay ahead of him, eventually coming across a road sign written in English.

The sign said: 'Manchester 18 Miles'

"WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW!?" he screamed in Japanese.

Muttering, Ryouga pulled off his pack and set up his tent with expert speed. Placing a pot of water over a slowly starting fire, the traveller pondered on what to do now. He was somewhere he suspected was in the West, where English was a common language. He had limited supplies and none of the local currency. In effect, he was screwed until he got lost again.

"Curse you Ranma." He muttered under his breath. Ever since the bread feud, Ryouga was the bitter rival to Ranma, which was ironic, since he was madly head over heels in love with his sister. His twin sister. Who looked exactly like him.

It gave the lost boy a headache.

Noticing his water boiling, he pulled out an instant meal and prepared to eat.

*

The school day was over, and Ranma was heading home alone. Ranko was going round to Akane's for a while to do some homework and spar a little, so Ranma had the house to himself. Mum and pop were out to dinner with the neighbours, and wouldn't be back 'till late. Ranma could be alone for the whole evening. A rare time.

_**danger**_

Ranma instinctively looked up to see several crystal objects flying at high speed in the other direction. He ignored them.

_**Danger**_

Ranma instinctively looked again. They were headed towards the school. They didn't look like they were slowing down, so Ranma turned again.

_**DANGERDANGERDANGERDANGERDANGER**_

Ranma looked around again, and realised that his sister and Akane were still there. His sixth sense had never been wrong before, and it was screaming at him to go back to the school.

_**GONOWGONOWPROTECTTHEMDANGERDANGERSOMETHINGISWRONGDANGERPROTECT**_

Ranma sprinted. He wasn't going to take chances. Those crystal things were definitely headed towards the school!

The crystal objects blasted through walls and glass, never breaking themselves, not stopping. Ranma ignored the main door and jumped up to the level that the objects had gone in, climbing in through a window.

What met his eyes would never leave his memory.

It was him.

Ranma looked into the face of his own face. Unnerved, he unconsciously slipped into a defensive stance. "What the hell is going on here!" he demanded.

"Ranma?" said the copy. "Ranma, what's happened?" The copy froze and made some sounds, as if testing it's voice. "Ranma!?" the clone said, sounding more and more scared. "Ranma, what's happened to me!? Something's wrong! Why is my voice deeper!?"

The real Ranma stood there in shock. This clone seemed to not realise who it was impersonating or what it was. Snapping out of it, Ranma shouted at the clone. "Who or what are you and why do you look like me!?"

The clone froze, it's crystal blue eyes – an exact match of Ranma's – widened, and grabbed a nearby handbag that Ranma recognised as his sister's. Watching the clones every move, Ranma made no move to stop it, but wouldn't hesitate to strike if the need came.

The clone pulled out a compact mirror, and quickly opened it to look at itself.

The scream that followed could be heard half a kilometre away.

"Ranma! Ranma, it's not possible!" the clone screamed, tears beginning to flow from its eyes. "Why do I look like you!? This isn't real!"

Ranma didn't make a sound, still standing in a defensive position and eyeing the clone carefully.

"Ranma, it's me! It's me!" the clone sobbed.

"Who?" the real Ranma asked carefully and slowly.

"Ranko!"

* * *

Authors Notes:

Dun-Dun-DUNNN

Wow. I know I was planning something like this from the start, but I'd never really planned a scene where it all happens. It just....happened.

I hope you enjoy this chapter, all of you. I'm glad some of you find this a fun read, and I plan on updating this more frequently now.

Please do review! It makes me happy and happy means more chapters faster. =D

Until my next outing from the mental ward...

Much Love, SOTG


End file.
